Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Whole Heart Faith Day 1

Whew Father it has been a day. A day in which I chose not to glorify or follow You. Father I lied, cheated, and stole today. I chose me over You yet again, and saw what a failure my day was. Well maybe not totally, I did speak to Stephanie about her situation, but felt like it fell on deaf ears.

Father I need to come bathe in the shower of Your forgiveness. It's just really hard to get there, because half the time I really don't feel like I mean it when I ask for forgiveness, I feel like I do it more out of habit then I do out of true repentance. Plus you know the minute I get up from prayer with You that I am going to go running straight back to that pig pen. Father cleanse me of my unrighteousness, then give me the strength and courage not to go back there again. Strengthen me for this battle, give me the tools and encouragement I need to throw the idol of self centeredness off it's throne and in the trash where it belongs.

Father I think one of the first things I need to do this thing is a church home. I want a place where I can serve. A place where I can be ministered to and that I can minister to others. I don't have to agree with all that they teach, I just need a home where I feel safe to be real, and people that will hold me accountable. I want a home Father. A place where I belong, and am welcomed warts and all.

Father give me a hunger for Your Word. You know I love it and that I believe it from beginning to end, but I don't crave it, I don't study it, and I darn sure don't live it. I want it to be real to me, to need it more than I need my next breathe. To be the plumb line by which I judge and correct myself. I don't want to be so spiritual that no one else can measure up, and I don't want to be so holy that the only way I can look at anyone is down my nose. I just want to be Yours. To be a usable vessel. Am I asking to much Father? Have I set an unobtainable goal? I hope not.

Father God, this is not beyond You, this is the desire of Your heart and I want it to be the desire of mine. To know You, to seek You, and to follow after You regardless of where You take me. To trust with all my heart that Your promise to never leave me or forsake me is true. To believe that You are faithful and just. Father give me Jesus, make Him very real in my life. Show me how to die to self and to allow the Holy Spirit to lead me in all things.

I love you Father I really do, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You love me and that Your plans are not to harm me but to give me a future and a hope. Be that future and that hope in my life Father. Here I am Father, bags of sin and disobedience hanging off of me, mold me, shape me. Take this life and make it into something that is usable by You. I am heavy laden Father, please give me rest. Thank you for never giving up on me. In Jesus name Amen.

As I can see from the above prayer, self centeredness is an ugly thing. It's all about self, rooted in puffed up pride that sometimes hides behind low self esteem. Center of the universe, smart a@#&* know it all. Not a friend of God. Self centered is what defeated satan and got him kicked out of heaven. That statement alone should be enough to shut it down, but it's not. I take pride in the fact that I have accepted Christ as my personal Savior. That because I have bowed the knee and walked the isle, there is no way that I can go to instead I decide to live a hell on earth by choosing to live separated from Him. God is reminding me that I can not serve two masters that I will love the one and hate the other, and when I choose the wrong master...I pay the price. By being the self centered person I am, I negate all that Christ did, the horrific beating and death that He willingly suffered so that I did not have to spend an eternity in hell. I say by my actions that I know what He did, and I believe what He did, but I do not honor it with my life. I do not write these things for you to come and stroke my ego and tell me oh no Sallye that is not who you are. I write these things to be honest with my self, to hold my self accountable to what I was, and to spur me on to be what God sees me as.

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