Whine and moan day

Ok, today is whine and moan day. Payday and bills are paid and the tithe is set aside which leaves peanut butter sandwiches for the next two weeks. I am so tired of struggling from paycheck to paycheck. Rusty is not working where he gets paid every week or two weeks, so we are surviving on mine, and I am tired of this, and mad at Rusty for not having a job, and for not looking for one until his unemployement ran out, and then when I told him about the one that he has now the only reason he took it was because I was mad. I am nearly 50 years old and planning on retiring from Vz next year, when do I get to quit struggling? When? I know that it is wrong for me to take this out on Rusty, and yet I do. Why, because he is an easy target and because we wouldn't be in this mess if he would find a job...but no he thinks that he can work monday through friday 8 to 5 and until he finds that job..well we can suffer through..I don't want to...Pity party pity party, but these are my feelings and they are real to me. The real problem in all of this is poor money management...and that is my fault, because it is me first...if I want something I am going to buy it and worry about it later. Bruce's wife has this same problem, and has caused them to be way in debt..oops sorry getting off topic there..it's all about me. God you are going to have to change me whether I want it or not...There are so many things I want to do for you, but how can I for others when I don't do to self..be kind to husband, not so sharp, unkind and cruel. picky petty mean spirited..ok I am done.